Create a safe space, demonstrate concern for their well-being, respect and trust their views and opinions of a situation, listen attentively, and be empathetic.
As a parent, we know when something is inherently troublesome concerning our teen(s), whether it is in their tone, posture, facial expression or solitude.
How we approach them during this period will determine the outcome. Knowing how to ask questions to understand what your teen is thinking, feeling and verbalizing is paramount.
According to the International Coaching Federation (ICF), the leading global organization for coaches, parents must establish trust and intimacy with their teens. Create a safe space, demonstrate concern for their well-being, respect and trust their views and opinions of a situation, listen attentively, and be empathetic. As a member of ICF, I have learned during coaching that your teen’s view of a situation is valued more than your own because we see them as experts in their own lives.
Asking teens to answer your questions and telling the truth are difficult if trust hasn’t been established. They will think other motives are involved. The initial process is the art of asking your teen questions and getting an honest answer.
Don’t start with “Why?”
Why often causes one to become defensive. You want to defend your reason for your actions because you feel rejected. Any conversation after that is useless as the wall is up. Afford your teen the option to express themselves before talking about the specific problem.
Start with empathy, what are they feeling at this moment, fear, shame, disappointment, and rejection, as mentioned above. Try saying, “I am your biggest fan, as I always want the best for you.” “How can we move forward regarding this situation?”
Each situation will be different. Only address the current issue and not the previous problems.
When you ask them questions, it teaches them to ask themselves questions, and it increases their awareness of their thoughts, beliefs, and patterns they have established. When you become self-aware, it’s easy to create incremental changes, and you can analyze your results.
As a coach-parent, my ultimate responsibility is to develop the relationship with my teen so that they can find the answers to their dilemmas. Coaches believe that the client has the solution. That is why asking powerful questions allows them time to think about what is important.
When they learn to master their encounters, it actually promotes personal growth and development. Parents, the following are a few questions to start your coach-parent journey, as well as an introduction to a coaching technique called Shifting.
Building Trust
(Teen’s Name), if you could change something about today, what would it be?
What’s on your mind? What’s the real challenge for you here? What about this is important to you?
How do you feel about the situation? What are your feelings about the thoughts you just shared? How would you feel if you tried it a different way?
Shifting: Teach your teen to think differently
Suppose you want to learn how to coach your teen to change their perspective about firmly held ideas that may or may not be valid. Try Shifting, which means seeing things in a new and different way that is so profound it annihilates one’s original way of thinking.
Can you imagine how this alters some of the wonky ideas they concoct with their peers and what they see on Tik Tok and other social media that they are convinced they must emulate? As you know, teens’ brains are ever-evolving.
What would happen if you thought and felt differently about it? How important would that be for you? What’s another way to look at that?
Gale McKoy Wilkins is a wife, mom, grandparent and family life coach. She is the founder of Project Arrow, an evidence-based peer-to-peer and leadership program teaching middle, high school and first-year college students how to deal with trauma and crisis using life coaching. It’s the first life coaching organization in the state to receive funding from the Department of Public Instruction and the first to implement life coaching in a school setting. She is joining the Go Ask Mom team as a regular contributor about life coaching.
